|accidentally thinks about something awkward i did three years ago|
It’s been a long time since you looked at me with any kind of love in your eyes. And that’s okay. In any other universe we would have made it. We would have been happy. But unfortunately this is the one we got stuck in. And I’ve decided to deal with that. The fact is I can’t hold onto you when you wanna jump. I can either jump with you or let you go. So that’s what I’m gonna do. Let you go. Because you’re a symptom of a disease I never wanted to cure until now. But it’s time baby. It’s time. So here goes.
I loved you the moment I met you. I don’t remember what it was exactly that I fell for in you. You hated the world with a passion I’ve never seen before. I think it was that passion that first caught my eye. I remember how excited you got about the things you loved. You had this look in your eyes, like you’d discovered what heaven tasted like for the first time. Maybe it’s that light that I fell for. The way you’d smile or laugh, or look at me when you thought I wasn’t looking. What I felt for you was pure. It was raw. I loved you so much. And I know in any other time or place I would have been enough for you. But not here. Not now.
Everything I do reminds me of you. I dream of you every night. I imagine you coming home. I imagine going home. My home was with you. And I wake up and realise that you burned it to the ground. I’m tired of waking up and fearing for my sanity. I’m terrified of being alone. But I’m even more terrified of waking up next to you again. Because that means I have failed. I have done the one thing I promised I never would. I came home. But I can never go home. Home can’t exist for me. Not while I still love you.
I dreamed about the end of time. Of fire and bloodshed ad fear. But I wasn’t afraid. I was brave. And all I want at the end of the world is you. Still. After all this time. And after it all ends I wanna be holding your hand when those lights go out.
Right now I’m a mess. I’m lost and confused and my feelings are just everywhere. My life doesn’t make sense anymore. I don’t understand my purpose. But somehow I don’t mind. I have the most amazing friends in the world. They’re like my family. But because of you they’re mad at me. I got drunk and confused and I don’t remember what I did. But it must have been bad. People keep asking me what happened between us and I don’t know what to tell them anymore. Because I don’t know what happened. You never told me you were leaving. You never told me I wasn’t enough. We just stopped talking and I stopped breathing. And it still hurts. It’s the worst pain in the world. Sometimes I wish it wasn’t me that ended up like this. And sometimes, in my darkest moments, I like to pretend that I broke you instead.
I feel like there’s so much more that I need to say. But I can’t find the right words. I want to tell you that for the rest of my life I will love you. For the rest of my life I will miss you. I will never forget you. How you made me feel. What you did to me. But I won’t hate you. I could never hate you. You were the best part of my life. Even if you were my biggest mistake. We all have to learn sometime. Even if it is the hard way.
I always wanted things to end on a happy note. And although they never did, maybe this is the goodbye we never got. After everything I’ve been through, I’ve come out stronger. At the end of the day, I got the one thing I’ve always wanted. I got you. Even if it was never meant to be. I’m glad that I got time with you. No matter how little. You gave me a whole life in a matter of weeks. And I’ll never forget it. You took care of me. You loved me. Even if that love was only for a second. You destroyed me. You ruined me. I’ll never be able to find someone I love as much as I love you. But I’m okay with that. Because I need to forgive you and let you go. So I can move on. Maybe I’ll never find what I’m looking for. But at least I’m not holding on to what I’m not looking for.
Baby I forgive you. I forgive you for all those wasted years where you could have told me how you felt. I forgive you for all those cute dates we never got to call dates because you weren’t mine. I forgive you for all of the tears I shed. I forgive you for breaking my heart. I forgive you for not being there for me. I forgive you for not being the first person I was with. I forgive you for letting me go. I forgive you for coming back. I forgive you for lying. I forgive you for using me. For hurting me. For leaving and coming back and leaving again. For finding the happiness you never found with me in someone else. But mostly, I forgive you for never loving me like I loved you. I do. Because I need to forgive you in order to forgive myself. I need to forgive myself for hurting those around me trying to love you. I need to give my heart a break for once.
I’m not perfect. I’ll never be perfect. But I’m trying. I’m trying to be the best that I can be. For my family. My friends. And everything in between. Because they’ll keep me going for the rest of my life. Not you.
So I forgive you. But I’ll never take you back. Not ever. Not even if you waited outside my house in the rain for a week. Not even if you had All Time Low dedicate “Somewhere in Neverland” to me. Do you even know what my favourite song is? No matter. No amount of apologies or excuses can ever make me come back. I’ll forgive you. But I’ll never forget what you did.
Maybe all of this is a game to you. Maybe you think it’s fun to toy with people’s emotions and antagonise them. Maybe you thought what you did to me was okay. But it wasn’t. And guess what asshole? I’m done playing.
Or maybe this is you showing me how much you love me. By hurting me you can give me the chance to let go and move on. By pushing me away you can’t hurt me. By running you can show me that you love me enough to give me my best possible chance. Maybe you’re doing this because you know you’re not the right guy for me right now. Maybe you need to experience the world before you come home. But I can’t wait for you to wake up and realise you let go of the best thing that ever happened to you. Because I saw the good in you. And you proved me wrong.
I wish this could be it. I wish I could say goodbye and end things here. But I can’t. Because there’s always gonna be a part of me that loves you. And you’re still gonna find some way to taunt me and make me hate you. I wish I could say I’m done. But I’m really not. I guess I just have to live with that. I’m carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. And one day someone’s gonna help me carry it. I hope it’s you. But I hope it’s not. I was so wrong about you. I was so list and confused. But I’ve seen life. I’ve seen human nature and love and kindness. And I know that you’ll never give me that. There has been no greater pain than losing you. Maybe its time I stopped looking for lost things and started holding on to what I’ve found. I’ve found family. I’ve created a new home. And you are no longer welcome in it.
*bully pushes you*
*you push bully back*
bully: wtf you piece of shit, that’s reverse bullying
everyone around you: yeah you cant fight hate with hate why can’t we all just be nice to each other
u know this literally happens right
kids get suspended for being bullied because they fought back or were considered a distraction to the bully it’s not just a metaphor it’s literally reality
The day I was diagnosed with anorexia, people complimented me for my body. They told me they wish to have a body like mine.
That body that hurt with every movement, the body that made my mum cry, the body that got me doctor appointments, hours of therapy, that took my smile, my life.
They wished to look like me when I was dying.
This is wrong. Stop promoting unhealthy low weights, stop diet culture.